So I Have This Friend (or, on mooching)

What do you do when, say, a friend comes to visit and suggests you go to THAT restaurant with the amazing food and the great atmosphere, the one that makes delicious food but hits your wallet big-time? Then, say, this friend orders an entree and drinks and more drinks and a side of this and a bit of that, laughing it up and saying how good it all is, only to say, when the bill comes, that she can’t cover it?

You only ordered something small, because, well, you’re on a budget after all. And your friend says something about how she doesn’t make much money and it’s hard to find good work and you know? Maybe you can help her out?

This happens to me sometimes. Not frequently, and not with a lot of people. But with some people very frequently, in fact with one particular person all the time. I’ll know I can spend $10, so I’ll order something small; Friend knows she has $10 in her wallet but orders something big, knowing I can help her, if it comes to that.

I don’t mind giving to my friends; in fact, I believe in it. But maybe there’s some kind of line we can cross with giving. Maybe at some point, giving becomes excusing? Maybe at some point, my “sure, here’s another $10″ becomes “you don’t have to be responsible for what you do”?

This same friend has been looking for a better job, on and off, for almost a year. She makes $8 now, so, yeah, she doesn’t have much money. So what do I do? I offer to help her with her resume, thinking that this could help her get a better job, help her make better money. I spend three hours one Friday night beefing it up and reorganizing and formatting, etc. I send it to her and say, voila! like she’ll fall over herself gushing with praise. She doesn’t respond. She never says if she’ll use it.

The truth is, she never asked me to look at her resume. It was my idea, my plan to help her get in a better financial situation. In other words, it’s what I’d want someone to do for me. Just like I’d want someone to help me if I needed money, though, to be honest, I’d never, ever, not-in-a-million-years order something I knew I didn’t have the money for. I wish someone had helped me make a resume when I was frustrated, desperate for a job. I wish someone had given me advice and guidance to getting the right position. I wish someone would help me when I feel like I need it.

But do I wish that only because I’m looking back? I mean, if I hadn’t done anything, would that have meant I needed help that no one gave or that I didn’t want it (the jobs/resumes/whatever) enough?

What do you think? Can you give too much to your friends? Is there a way to know if you can? And how do you train yourself to stop helping people who don’t want you to? How do you love them enough to say, You can do it yourself? How do you love them enough to say, Sure, I’ll pay for it again?

Image: cedric1981

On Loaning Friends Money (or, I’d rather give)

True story: A couple years ago, someone I know asked someone else I know (let’s say persons A & B) for a favor. Desperate, tears running down his face, A asked B for $20,000+ to help finish his new home and to cover unexpected medical costs for his child.

B loaned him the money.

Weeks went by. Months. Then a big problem: Lender B’s home business was facing some problems, and he needed that $20K back.

He went to A; A didn’t have it and didn’t know when he would. Bigger problem. B wanted his money; A couldn’t believe B didn’t understand. Suddenly, what had been a good friendship became tense, awkward and stressful.

The good news is that this worked out, sort of. A ended up taking out a home equity line of credit to consolidate all of his many debts into one (same money, but one place owed). He paid back B just in time. The bad news is that their friendship was never the same.

I could tell you a lot of stories like this; you probably could, too. Somehow, when money gets involved, things can get ugly fast, even between good friends. I’ve always thought this, way in the back of my mind. I’ve always felt a little uneasy about the idea of loaning friends money.

When I was reading Total Money Makeover, Dave Ramsey pointed out the Biblical principle at work here: Proverbs 22:7 The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.

Essentially, when you loan someone money, you change the dynamics of peer-to-peer friendship. Now you are one who loaned and one who owes. And that makes things complicated.

In fact, in Hamlet, Shakespeare writes something similar: “Neither a borrower nor a lender be. For loan oft loses both itself and friend…”

So here’s my personal philosophy: If my friend comes to me, needing money, and it’s a real need, I will give–no strings attached–what I can. They can think it’s a loan if they want to, but I’m giving it as a gift–no interest and no payment expected. If I’m unable to give them the money, I can offer to do anything else to help. But I won’t lend.

If I, say, go out to eat with my friend, and she asks me to lend her what she’s owes, I will. But I’ll just give it to her. I’ll tell her, don’t worry about it. If she pays me back, fine. If she doesn’t, it was a gift.

And, if at the end of my life, I’ve paid for more friends’ meals than I’ve been given, if I’ve given more money than I’ve received, if I’ve been the sucker as some would say, I’ll consider it a good life, indeed.

Image: aldoaldoz

I Asked for a Raise, and Here’s What Happened.

OK, blogging buddies: Thank you again to everyone (especially Full-Grown Single and Ronnie Ann) who weighed in on my March post, When Do You Deserve a Raise?

I had written it to express my frustration with an employee who wanted, but I didn’t think earned, an increase, and you wrote back with strong instructions for my own future raise-wanting. In my head, I was fully with you, planning to ask for an increase when I hit one year. In the three months since then, though, I’ve grown less sure, as the company struggled and made cutbacks.

Today was my one-year anniversary, so this morning I Googled: How to Ask for a Raise When Times are Tough and found this Forbes article.

Logistically it’s easier to e-mail my boss than meet in person, so I followed the Forbes tips, via print rather than face-to-face. I bulleted my contributions and explained what the median pay rates are in our area for jobs like mine. I said I thought a raise would be fair.

He wrote back immediately and said he totally agreed. He needs a little time but will fight for me.

Stay tuned.

Sometimes I Really Feel Like a Girl

I am learning that, at least when it comes to my car, I am all emotion.

A few hours ago, sitting outside a random Culver’s, watching my VW Jetta from a safe 50 feet away, it was all I could do to not start crying in public. While I had been driving home in insanely bad traffic, my car again put out a burning smell. This time, though, there was smoke. I turned on my emergency lights, moved to the right lane and pulled into the nearest parking lot, Culver’s. One phone call to Dad, and I was assured everything would be fine. While I waited, though, a few thoughts went through my mind, thoughts like, Maybe I deserve a milkshake.

I am also learning that, at least when it comes to bad days, I want sugar.

My dad was leaving the house to meet me, so we could caravan to the dealership, hoping, hoping to prove finally that my car really is possessed by some serious problem. So while waiting I wandered into Culver’s, my emotional voice saying, Yes, you should get a milkshake! You’ve had a bad day! It’s only a few dollars! and my rational, PF-brain voice saying, No, no, you cannot have a milkshake! You spent $18 ($18!!!!) dollars on a terrible lunch you ordered out with coworkers, one of whom just turned down the promotion she’d already accepted last week. You blew, what–like 30% of your restaurant budget?–on one bad meal. No, you can’t have a milkshake now!

And I am also learning, at least when it comes to money and life and relationships and work and time management and family, very little is easy.

Money Story: Why Does She Get Presents?

There are these two people I know, both female, both planning their upcoming weddings, both their first.

R is middle-aged and well-established in her career. K has been working for three (four?) years. They’re both in education, both at the same school.

Despite the huge age differences and despite what many people would say, these ladies both live with their parents right now, which is only relevant because it points out that for both of them, getting married will be putting them in their first “own place.”

R is marrying a man with three children. Obviously, he’s pretty established, financially speaking. He has a house and all the things that go with that: the towels, the appliances, the bedding, the toaster, etc.

K is marrying a man who, though he lives on his own, has lived pretty bachelor and lacks all those little niceties people love to register for.

So in light of this and the upcoming showers and gift-giving they both expect, K feels the playing field is unlevel. “It’s not really fair,” she says. “R will already have all those things, while (husband-to-be and I) have to start from scratch.”

Kind of reminds me of the graduation announcements.