So I Have This Friend (or, on mooching)
What do you do when, say, a friend comes to visit and suggests you go to THAT restaurant with the amazing food and the great atmosphere, the one that makes delicious food but hits your wallet big-time? Then, say, this friend orders an entree and drinks and more drinks and a side of this and a bit of that, laughing it up and saying how good it all is, only to say, when the bill comes, that she can’t cover it?
You only ordered something small, because, well, you’re on a budget after all. And your friend says something about how she doesn’t make much money and it’s hard to find good work and you know? Maybe you can help her out?
This happens to me sometimes. Not frequently, and not with a lot of people. But with some people very frequently, in fact with one particular person all the time. I’ll know I can spend $10, so I’ll order something small; Friend knows she has $10 in her wallet but orders something big, knowing I can help her, if it comes to that.
I don’t mind giving to my friends; in fact, I believe in it. But maybe there’s some kind of line we can cross with giving. Maybe at some point, giving becomes excusing? Maybe at some point, my “sure, here’s another $10″ becomes “you don’t have to be responsible for what you do”?
This same friend has been looking for a better job, on and off, for almost a year. She makes $8 now, so, yeah, she doesn’t have much money. So what do I do? I offer to help her with her resume, thinking that this could help her get a better job, help her make better money. I spend three hours one Friday night beefing it up and reorganizing and formatting, etc. I send it to her and say, voila! like she’ll fall over herself gushing with praise. She doesn’t respond. She never says if she’ll use it.
The truth is, she never asked me to look at her resume. It was my idea, my plan to help her get in a better financial situation. In other words, it’s what I’d want someone to do for me. Just like I’d want someone to help me if I needed money, though, to be honest, I’d never, ever, not-in-a-million-years order something I knew I didn’t have the money for. I wish someone had helped me make a resume when I was frustrated, desperate for a job. I wish someone had given me advice and guidance to getting the right position. I wish someone would help me when I feel like I need it.
But do I wish that only because I’m looking back? I mean, if I hadn’t done anything, would that have meant I needed help that no one gave or that I didn’t want it (the jobs/resumes/whatever) enough?
What do you think? Can you give too much to your friends? Is there a way to know if you can? And how do you train yourself to stop helping people who don’t want you to? How do you love them enough to say, You can do it yourself? How do you love them enough to say, Sure, I’ll pay for it again?
Filed under a deeper look at life, budgeting, communication, money stories, questions, relationships |
10 Responses to “So I Have This Friend (or, on mooching)”
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You have a good point. At some point, “helping” allows people to be irresponsible. You can’t really help someone unless they want to change. Does she, really?
I feel lucky that I’ve never had to do more than loan a few dollars to someone…
I had a friend like that, and I’m afraid that the past tense is intentional. We didn’t have a big falling out or anything–I just got tired of buying her drinks and chipping in an extra $10 at dinners out. I’d say things like, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get me back sometime!” But she never did.
It’s not that I wanted a dollar-for-dollar return; I was generous because I believed in our friendship, and I just wanted some token that she did too. So I stopped accepting her invitations to go out, saying that I’d be happy to host a night in instead. She has yet to take me up on that offer… which made me realize that, sadly, she wasn’t too great of a friend.
Just found this blog, like it. Will be back.
And yes, you can give your friends to much!
I’m on the same track as mfaorbust: I think you’ve got to ask yourself whether this is a friend you need to keep, because she’s using you. Probably not simply to get a good meal, but maybe to make herself feel like she’s doing ok by putting you in a position of buying for both of you the lifestyle she thinks she deserves.
I feel confident saying that. If you had done this once and she just didn’t notice you ordered a salad instead of a big plate, then ok. But once it happened a second time, you were being abused.
Here’s something I learned late… almost everyone thinks they, themselves, are good. If she’s abusing you, then it probably means her addled sense of “justice” tells her that you, for whatever your sins may be, have to pay more than your share, and you should be happy about it, because karma requires that you make her whole.
Now I’ll get off mfaorbust’s track and sidle over to Sartre. Other people -are- hell. Just enjoy your friend, and if it gets hard to enjoy her, move on.
I’m sorry to hear that you have a friend like that; I think she’s taking advantage of you. Next time you all go out, tell the server that you need split checks right from the start.
As for the resume issue, maybe she is discouraged that you made so many changes to it - something she created.
Oops. Meant to add, maybe she’s just an ingrate regarding the resume help.
[...] So I Have This Friend (or, on mooching) I think all of us have to deal with this at one point or another. [...]
I can’t explain it. I suffer from it too. Trying too hard to help everyone and getting slapped in return (well, not slapped. ignored)…. in the end, you just say it once and you’re done.
This really ticks me off. I have a buddy that used to do this all the time and no matter how upset I got after he did it, it kept happening. They just don’t see that it’s a really uncool thing. THe worst was when he begged me to tag along with some random girl because the girl he was after didn’t want to go out alone with him. It was a weekday and I said fine, I’d do it. Then we get to the bar and he’s like “I’m not going to be able to cover this so do you have money? Cuase we’ll have to buy them their drinks too.”
Awesome.