The Cost of Dating
I know, I know: this is supposed to be a personal finance blog. I should be writing about money and spending and 401Ks.
Well, this post is a little different. Indulge me this one time, will you? I promise to return to topic soon; in fact, I even promise to tie this in with money, in a way. Tonight, I just need an anonymous outlet, so here goes:
I went on a blind date Tuesday. I say blind, but actually, we’d both seen the other’s photo. We’d e-mailed a few quick times–short, little notes of “How does 6 sound?” and so on. We’d decided to meet for coffee after work. He drove over an hour to meet me; I drove two blocks from my building. I got there first; he’d hit traffic. When we’d both arrived, we shook hands, introduced ourselves officially and walked to the counter.
Girls, how would you handle this situation? Do you assume the guy will pay? Do you get out money? One doesn’t wish to seem a gold-digger, but making the guy feel like you’re too independent to let him pay is weird too.
I pulled out my wallet. He didn’t stop me–not that he should have–and I ordered a tea. Taking our drinks, we sat down and settled in to chat. Two hours went by pretty quickly. About an hour in, I said, “Well, this was fun,” and picked up my purse, thinking he might want to go. He didn’t budge. I’m in no hurry, he said.
We talked about our families, our backgrounds, our jobs. He asked lots of questions: he wanted to know what kind of food I liked and what my favorite restaurant was. (All, I assumed, for future dating purposes.) He said the commute was worth it to meet me, and he’d had a great time. Then we said goodbye, and we left. I had a good time; I liked him.
Today he sent me a note: Thanks for the great talk yesterday. I think you’re a wonderful person. Enjoy your summer!
Or something like that. The last sentence, at least, is an exact quote.
What am I to make of this? Not to sound like one of those old, bitter types, but this minor rejection hurts a little. Maybe everyone experiences something like this, but I’m left questioning all my actions. Should I have let him pay? Should I have talked less/more? Maybe he didn’t think I was pretty enough–but then, he had seen my photo–was he disappointed with the real-life me? What else can I assume when he says I’m a “wonderful person” but then wishes to not meet again?
We just had one date–not even a date, really. We don’t know each other that well. This is not the end of the world, I know. But it’s a taste I dislike. Putting yourself out there, dating, being vulnerable enough to talk about your life with someone you just meet, and then knowing the person may never speak to you again.
I just wanted to tell someone.
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14 Responses to “The Cost of Dating”
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Man, dating just sucks. I’ve been on both sides of the no-call and neither one is fun. Don’t feel too down on yourself, there’s no accounting for frisson, or for the lack thereof.
Re: paying on dates, at least early on (before you know if there’s going to be another date, at which point “I’ll get this one, you get the next one” becomes reasonable), I always like to feel like the cost is shared in some way, even if it’s not especially equal, like if one person gets dinner and drinks and the other person gets the movie. It feels like more of a team effort that way, I guess.
Gradgirl, It is okay. Don’t feel rejected, maybe he has something going on in his life, he doesn’t want to get too involved.
On who should pay, it’d been really nice if he insisted on paying for you. Hello?! It’s only tea! (you are hardly a gold-digger, we are only talking about tea here).
If I were you, I’d think he’s cheap and have no class, he does not know how to treat a lady. (call me old-fashion)
So, for me, there’d be no love lost.
Re: putting yourself out there… (or at least this is how I think) think of it as getting to know more people, and letting yourself gain more experience with each encounter. The only way for a person to know how to handle certain situation with grace is to be in one.
Dude, guys are just weird. Dating is hard, and guys (and girls) don’t always know the right thing to say. That sounds like his way of saying “I think you’re really nice, and I’m glad I met you, but I’m just not really feeling a romantic connection.” You could always respond by telling him to take care, and (to go one step further, to really be putting yourself out there if you’re very brave) that (for example), you’re planning to go to an art gallery/museum/concert in the park, and that he’s welcome to join you if he wants. That way, it’s not so much of a “date” but more of a “I think you’re nice too, maybe we can hang out again.”
Get my drift? I clearly don’t know what the “right” thing to say is either…
You all are wonderful. I think all I needed was to hear the empathy you shared.
K: You’re right, I know. Who can say what makes two people “connect”? And you’re right about it being hard for either person. I’m sure it’s weird to have to tell the person you just met that you don’t want to meet again. In a way, it was nice of him to give me that response.
goldnsilver: Your words were very healing. It could be anything that made him not interested–good point. And I agree about the tea thing. I definitely would’ve given him points for being a gentleman (not that he cares, I guess! LOL.). And you are so, so right about thinking of dating as a learning experience. This has always been hard for me. THANK YOU!
Kim: Your advice rings true to what my mom said. Say you’d love to meet up again, she told me.
I’m afraid I just haven’t the stomach for a dual rejection! Have you ever tried something like that (if you’ve been in this situation)?
I did respond to his note, with a “Thanks! Right back at ya! Thanks again for driving out.” I just felt like I should be nice back.
Sigh.
goldnsilver, I’m a little surprised that you expect a man to insist on paying. Would you feel offended if a man expected you to cook and clean? ‘Traditional’ roles are so unfair–think about that.
As the first guy to post, let me tell you my rule for paying the bills: whoever gets the bill pays the bill. Granted, I get the bill nearly 100% of the time on a date (weird how those waitresses work isn’t it?) but I wouldn’t even offer if the bill fell in front of my date for a change.
The only time that I didn’t get the bill on a date was when a waitress separated our bill without asking (and somehow this woman charmed me into paying for her half).
gradgirl: I’m sorry that you feel rejected. It’s probably the lowest feeling on the planet and it has the annoying tendency to stick with a person for longer than you expect.
From a guy:
Give it a week and see what happens. He could be shy, or he could be waiting for your to make the next move.
Who initiated the first date?
Good luck and chin up!
Guys: Thanks for the perspective; I was hoping y’all would chime in!
Matt: it is a low feeling, and it does stick with you. Why is that?
Dennis: he initiated it. Yeah, maybe he’s shy, but the message seemed pretty clear. I mean, enjoy your summer? I don’t want to be dense, you know? I get it.
Out of common courtesy he should have offered to pay for the tea. It’s just tea!
I can’t ever figure out who should pay with dates. This guy I dated a few times insisted on paying for dinner every time and I knew he earned less. It was like pride or something to pick up the entire tab. I finally gave up and picked up the entire tab ($30).
But you’re brave for going on a blind date! It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. Give it a week like Dennis said - he could be playing it slow.
matt,
Like I said it’d have been really nice if he insisted. Notice, I never said I’d not take my wallet out to pay for my share if he didn’t.
Also, we are talking about a date here, not a business interview. So, I think it’d be nice for the guy to show a little initiative that they are more than 2 separate entity that just happens to buy tea at the same time. By him insisting to pay for the tea (and it’s only tea), it shows that he has the grace and common courtesy to treat a girl appropriately on the first date.
Of couse, he doesn’t have to do any of that. That’s why we go on dates. To find people that we find a connection with. For me, if he didn’t even offer to buy me tea… He’s too far off for me.
I’ve been on a first date, (the guy asked me out). But I was the one who paid for both of our dinners. I never saw him again. I don’t mind paying for his dinner, I always bring enough money to cover for 2 people when I go on dates. He can choose not to pay for me, but I also have a right to form an opinion about him based on his actions.
Re: cook and clean. Again, this is why we go on dates, to find people that we are compatible with. Some people(men/women) like to do chores, some don’t.
FYI, I know how to cook and clean. But I don’t like cooking that much, just because don’t LIKE cooking. I don’t mind cleaning, I don’t trust anyone else to do it for me, because simply I don’t think another person understands what my idea of clean is.
Sorry Gradgirl, I am taking up so much space, but I also meant to say this.
I think between 2 people (in terms of dating/relationship), it is not so much about being fair, but more about doing what is right, and showing respect for one and another.
Matt, I personally would have felt a little insulted if I were in that position and my date didn’t at least offer to pay for my tea. Like GoldnSilver said, it’s common courtesy.
Maybe I’m old fashioned this way, but when it comes to dating, at least in the first little while, I like it when the guy always offers to pay. Half the time, I’ll insist on paying, and it ends up evening out 50/50 in the end … but the point is, the offer was there.
GradGirl, I feel your pain about dating. A few years ago before I met my current BF, it felt like I was having one crappy date after another. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and expose yourself … and get your hopes up … only to get rejected, or reject him. It’s awful. But sometimes it can be fun and the most exciting time ever, and those times where you meet someone and it just clicks … that makes it all worth it!
Thanks, SF.
GoldnSilver: I love that we’ve got a discussion going on here. You make some excellent points, and I’m very inclined to agree with you.
Krystal: You sound just like my best friend. She and her husband are now happily married, and she promises it’s just different when you meet the right person. I hope so!
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